FAIL

Chinese food (okay, let's be honest - Americanized Chinese food) is so freaking good. Egg rolls, cream cheese wontons...DAMNIT. So good.

That is all.

Damn work!

What the heck, I went back to working and suddenly I neglected my blog! Not on purpose of course - it has just been an interesting transition and added on top of that was a HUGE project my hubby had going on at his own work, requiring longer and sometimes odd hours.

But have no fear, I'm stillll here. Sometimes struggling (like with the chocolate at my office that calls my freaking name every.single.time I walk by it). But still seeing success (I am hovering between 142-143 lbs right now, which is my low weight and puts me at 85 lbs lost still. Sure, I really want to get into the 130's, but still I am THRILLED about how things are going, considering that last year at this time I had gained a good 10 or 15 lbs since Thanksgiving.

I was thinking the other day about my motivations. And I've talked about it before. There are things that are a BIG deal, like my health and being a good influence on my children. Being able to be active with them, having energy to do things, and being around as long as possible to see their lives play out. Those are the big motivators that continuously serve as reminders to get back on track when I'm faltering, or to stay on track when I'm on a roll.

But there are "shallow" motivators too. I like being a single-digit pants size. I've never experienced it before and it's amazing. I like that I can dress up and try on whatever, and not feel like I look like a whale. I love it when people who knew me long ago, see me or hear my story and are shocked. Random compliments or comments are always nice. Just the other day I saw somebody for the first time in quite awhile and he said he barely recognized me. And it is nice that I look and feel like a new person. I look different. I have different interests and can do things I never thought possible. I feel different and happier and healthier. I like it even more because lately, it has been corresponding with a big change in my family's life as well. My husband scored what was basically his dream job, and he loves it. We moved for this job...so we put our old house up for sale and started renting a new house in a new city. We got lucky and got a great offer in 2.5 months on our house, so that chip is just about off our shoulder assuming nothing goes wrong between now and closing this spring (which I am confident it will be smooth, because the buyers seem to have their heads on straight and be very set and financially able to follow through). My oldest daughter started Kindergarten. I'm in Grad School and my husband is about to start. I got a great new job that I love. We just traded our ol' mini-van in for a new vehicle which I ADORE, and best of all, it has AWD so I don't need to be as nervous on hills in the snow anymore. Seriously, I am a TERRIBLE worry-wart. I am easily stressed in some situations, and literally sometimes give myself headaches worrying about things that most people wouldn't dwell on. So when I got stuck on a hill in my van the other day (couldn't get up the hill after stopping at a red light), I was FLIPPING OUT inside. Crap like that just makes my heart pound. I handled it well, but still I was flipping out. Talk about an instant headache. But I digress...

My point is, or was supposed to be, I just really feel like a new, happier, healthier person, living a new, happier, healthier life. I feel like ever since I started losing weight, all sorts of extra good things have happened to me. Like finally getting healthy created a domino effect. I know that's not all true, that some of it was just a part of our path either way...but I still feel very blessed and thankful and happy that I am healthy now in order to truly enjoy this awesome ride called life. There are bad things and struggles too, of course. But I am determined to concentrate on the good and learn from/move on from the bad. Because when it comes down to it, my family is healthy and happy and our future looks bright. I love them so much and am so glad I will be around longer to enjoy them.

Now that I have written a novel and made up for some of my absence, I feel it only right to leave with a quick tribute to all of the victims of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school in Newtown, CT last week. All of the things I talk about above are trivial. My weight, my job, my husbands job, my fear of snowy hills...none of it really matters. I think this tragedy really puts life into perspective. My prayers are with every single victim, victim's family and friends, the first responders and emergency personnel involved that day, and the community members. Like parents across the nation, I have been heartbroken over this. I have been hugging my kids more often and giving thanks for them. I have honestly been thinking about it constantly, and I know I'm not the only one.

I am still here!

Work was good and I really think I am going to like this job and that it will present many great opportunities in the future. But anyhow...on to the reason I even have this blog. Weight loss. Health. Fitness.

I brought lunch every day...salad, grapefruit, raspberries...healthy stuff. I was very proud of myself. There is a Red Lobster very near my work and that might be challenging to stay away from sometimes. I love myself some Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Mmmmm...ok. Enough of that.

Yesterday I made some not-so-great choices...like cake. and cake. and cake. And wine. But I also hit up the gym and ran a couple of miles, walked, used the elliptical and best of all, tried out the stair climber. Which kicked my butt. I was sweating like crazy, which I LOVE. I think it was just what I needed. Just what I NEED. Something new...a change up in my routine. This morning I weighed in, just to gauge how my weekend is going, and I was pleasantly surprised to find I've lost weight, not gained, like in a normal weekend. If I can do good today, I might have a decent weekly weigh in to record tomorrow.

And I am very excited to start my 2nd week of work (my first full week). Hopefully I can continue to bring healthy lunches. And I can't wait for Monday night Zumba...it has become a part of my regular schedule and I love it. Again - something different to do.

If you are looking for something new and different, or you are in a rut...and you haven't tried Zumba, or the stair climber - do it! Do it do it do it!! *Insert more peer pressure here*.

Back to work!

In honor of my last day of being unemployed today, I headed to the gym and got in a nice run. Then I went grocery shopping. Yes, yes. It's a glamorous life I lead.

Now that I will be working again, I will have to get used to scheduling gym time within my limited free hours, yet still spending enough time with my kids. That inevitably means gym visits in the early morning, or  to at night after the kids are in bed. I've done it before though, and I can do it again. It takes more planning and prioritizing (should I stay home and clean after the kids go to bed, or should I go to the gym? Is my homework needing to be done, or can I adjust that and fit in a visit to the gym?). But I will be successful, damnit! I have to be.

Also, with my new employed-once-again status, I will most likely not be posting quite as often as I have been for the last couple of months. Not to fear - I will still do my best to post regularly. I have the blogger app on my phone, so if anything I can always do it that way if I ever get the urge, or a brilliant idea, or burning vent that I need to get out. Or you know, a spectacularly hilarious thought that I'd like to share.

So don't go anywhere. I'm starting a new chapter (again) and hopefully, along with it, will come continued success in my weight loss/fitness/health journey!

My inner fatty loves pie.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I started out on the right foot by going for a 4.6 mile run on Thanksgiving morning, but it was all downhill from there...I ate too much and the quality was lacking. I didn't work out.
BIG FAT FAIL on my part!

And so yes, I gained. I am 3 lbs up from what I was last Monday. I was so NOT excited to see the scale today, but then again it's my own fault. I took a few minutes to be ticked off, sad, and disappointed. Then decided that it's just more motivation to get back on track this week.

I know that most of that is just water weight (bloating). Once I am eating like a human instead of an animal, some of that will automatically be taken care of. Working out (Zumba tonight, a nice run tomorrow) should help, as well. I will be back down by the end of the week, but the challenge will be trying to have a good weekend. I purposely let myself slack off on the weekends sometimes, because it's one way to keep myself sane during the week. But this weekend I need to work hard to stay on the wagon - sort of get back into a good solid routine after derailing so badly over Thanksgiving.

Last November-December, I gained 10-15 lbs. I got it back off (and then some), but I would rather not let that happen again. Time to kick my own ass!!!!!

How was your Thanksgiving?

Ch-ch-ch-changes

One of the many challenges with losing weight, is that every person and situation is different. Even for one single person, situations and moods change - and you have to be willing to be flexible and make changes in your routine as needed, in order to grow with your environment or battle the current hurdles you face.

When I first started my journey, I was working a ton of overtime. Generally my work weeks were about 60-70 hours. Plus of course, I also have 2 young kids as well as a husband who also worked extra hours in addition to the regular 40. Making time and prioritizing were not easy, but I figured it out.

Then things changed. The overtime died down. But I started Grad School. This kept me busy too, but at different times and in different ways. That affected the approach I took and the routine I had.

Then things changed again (imagine that). We moved because my husband had a job offer he could not refuse, for what was basically his dream job. I quit my old job and stayed home with my younger daughter (the older is in Kindergarten) while I looked for something new. Being a stay at home mom brought with it altogether new challenges. While I now had time for working out like never before, I also now had constant access to all the food in the house.

Through it all, I've been able to adjust, and that is part of why I feel I've been successful. Even when it took a few weeks, I was able to adjust and continue down the path to success. I know there are people who thought, oh of course you lost weight, you worked 70 hours a week and never had time to EAT! Or, of course your losing weight, you go to the gym 5 days a week because you are a stay at home mom. Well, yes. But that is not the only thing there is to it, and throughout all these various life circumstances I have shown that I can do it. I will do what it takes to make it work, even when it's not easy - which it almost NEVER is!

And now, I am about to embark on yet another big change - I officially have a new job! I start next Wednesday. So now, I am going from stay at home mom, back to working mom. And I've been a working mom before, but that was a very different place and a different environment - this will be an all new environment and culture to get used to. My old work had 1000 people in my building, and the company employs 90,000 people. A big company, right?  My new company is small. Not "tiny", but the numbers are in the 100's instead of 1000's, and most of them are not in the office I will be in. This "small office" thing will be totally new to me. No more onsite Cafe' with great healthy choices available. So, I am going to have to adjust all over again, to a new environment, culture and situation - and figure out how to adjust so that I can continue to be successful in my weight loss/maintenance.

Thankfulness

In honor of Thanksgiving this week, I figured I should do a "Thankful" blog post.

Of course, I am thankful for typical things...my kids, my husband, my other family, my friends, my pets. This year, I am thankful for the amazing job opportunity which presented itself to my husband. It has been one of the top 3 best decisions of our lives. He loves his job, we love our new city, our kids are happy. Our future as a family is very bright. I am in Grad School with some amazing future possibilities. Yes, I am thankful for all of this - I am truly blessed.

But being that this blog is about my weight loss and fitness journey, what I really want to talk about is all of the things I am thankful for related to that. Two years ago at this time, I weighed 227 lbs and wore a size 22. I had no confidence. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and I was always exhausted. I breathed hard just going up the stairs in my own home. I hated to have my picture taken, even with my kids. Shopping sounded like torture...not only because of the limited cute stuff in my size, but because no matter how well something fit and how cute it looked on the rack, I still felt like crap once I had it on. Not to mention trying on clothing was tiring. Seriously - trying on a few outfits in a fitting room felt like a marathon. Who wants to feel exhausted, just for trying on some clothing that isn't what you love and doesn't make you feel good anyhow? It was depressing.

Now - I weigh 146 (that was this morning's weigh-in) and I wear a size 8. Best of all, I feel healthy and fit.
And I am thankful for countless things...some shallow, some not.

I am thankful for my health - Yes...most people who have their health, are thankful for it...but it means something even more to me. I was on a destructive path that could only have ended in various negative health effects. But no more!
I am thankful for my body and all the amazing things it can do. Things I never knew or thought it could do, like running 13 miles without stopping.
I am thankful for running
I am thankful to know I can be a positive role model for my children
I am thankful for being viewed as an "inspiration" to others
I am thankful to not feel exhausted all the time
I am thankful for being a size 8 and being able to wear a MEDIUM in many cases.
I am thankful for feeling confident - I have done/am doing countless things that I never would have done before, such as going to Grad School, organizing a virtual 5k in collaboration with a local Zoo, leading running groups, and trying Zumba.
I am thankful for being comfortable being in pictures now, especially pictures with my kids.
I am thankful for people who are brave enough to talk to me about my experience, tell me "great job", or ask questions. I am not shy about this. I want to share so I can help others.
I am thankful for being able to shock the hell out of people when they haven't seen me or heard anything of me in years. "Holy crap, since when was she NOT overweight/obese? Say what, she has run half marathons? That can't be the same person I remember..." I am especially thankful for this when the person was somebody who was ever less-than-nice to me. That sounds bad but I don't care. It's kind of like a nice big EFF YOU to those people.
I am thankful that I was able to find the courage and motivation and determination to start my journey
I am thankful that I have been able to keep it up over a long period of time
I am thankful for the support and positive encouragement I have received from my friends and family throughout my journey.
I am thankful for my husband and his positive influence, support, encouragement and love. I am not sure I could have been as successful without him.

Wow. I could go on and on with the things I am thankful for. I am honestly bursting with thankfulness this Thanksgiving. You could probably see it coming out of my ears. My life has changed so completely, in so many ways... I still sometimes can't wrap my head around it. I sound like such a sap...sorry.

What health-related things are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? No matter where you are in your journey, I know there is something. Maybe you are just starting your journey, but yesterday you parked at the far end of the parking lot yesterday and successfully made the long trek inside. Even THAT is something to be thankful for!

So what are you thankful for? Ready, set, GO!

My inner fatty craves....cheerios?

My inner fatty strikes again!

Yesterday I had a small lapse, and ended up eating several bowls of Honey-Nut Cheerious. Of all things I could binge on, I chose Cheerios? Seriously? But they were there, and I was craving some carbs. And I am a sucker for cereal. It was like I couldn't stop. I was hungry, damnit!

Only a fatty or former fatty can take a seemingly harmless food and make it into pig-out central.

So I figure I ate 500-600 calories in cereal alone. Yeaaaa, I might even be under-estimating. Luckily for me, it was getting close to lunch time, so I just chalked it up to a strange, early lunch. Then I worked out extra hard at the gym that afternoon. I actually ended up in a decent range for calories for the day when all was said and done. I actually had a good weigh in this morning. Which is great, but it's not really the point.

The point is - it's just another example of how I will be fighting this fight, probably for the rest of my life. I've lost 85lbs (ok, 82, but soon to be back to 85) and changed my life. I know what I need to do and what works for me. I'm happy with my method of madness. Yet still - given the right timing and circumstances, I can easily find myself powerless to resist temptation, even in the form of boring ol' cereal!

What is one strange or not-so-typical item that you have found yourself binging on?

Diet

 So many people ask "What diet did you do? How did you lose the weight?"

I didn't "put myself on a diet". I changed my lifestyle. Putting yourself on a diet implies a plan with an end. You can't "diet" forever, and once the diet is over, even if you did see some success... you will inevitably gain your weight back (and often times even more).

That is why I hate the word "diet". It should be associated with what you eat in general... Instead, it is associated with a temporary change with limitations and rules. It's ridiculous! I'm not speaking out of my ass, either - I've done "diets" in the past. I lost nearly 40 lbs by doing a slightly modified version of Atkins before my wedding in 2004, going from 210 to 172. And I will admit - I felt great. It was wonderful. The problem was, it was impossible to maintain. Even the "maintenance" phase was just not realistic for me in the long term. Plus, my whole journey was centered around losing weight for my wedding, and there was no focus on simply getting healthy. So of course it was temporary. I gained 30 lbs back over the next couple of years. Then I got pregnant and gained another 60! Obviously, that "diet" was successful in the short term...but certainly not for the long term, which is what really matters. I am not saying that absolutely nobody will have or has had success with diets including Atkins. I know there are success stories...but they are not as common as the marketers of the diets would have you believe.

How helpful is it to say "I cannot eat carbs ever again!" Or "Chocolate is off-limits for the next 3 months while I get ready for bikini season!". No! It doesn't have to be that way! Just make overall healthier choices. You can even have a little chocolate - just learn to not go overboard. Be active. Eat a balanced diet and pay attention to portion sizes, especially when you are indulging a little.

Don't put yourself on a diet. Put yourself on a mission to learn about food and make overall good choices that you can maintain for the rest of your life!

I love the saying "Eat to live, don't live to eat". For me, I think changing that mindset has been a huge challenge. It still is. It might always be (thanks to that pesky inner fatty that I've discussed before). But it is so important. You want to eat foods that are healthy and will fuel your body to be the best it can be (and I'm not just talking physically!).

Screw the diets. This can't be a temporary fix or change. It has to be permanent! It has to be about your whole lifestyle. And you CAN do it.

Against the odds - when you lack a support system

Here is a requested post topic.... making it work even when those around you are not completely supportive.

Losing weight is hard. It takes a lot of hard work, motivation, dedication, patience...yeah...it's not just hard. It is CRAZY HARD! I mean, the basic premise is simple. Eat right, exercise. Bam! But that is easier said than done, and the people surrounding you can make or break your spirit when it comes to your journey.

Whether it's a friend, a family member, or a spouse - the way people react to your journey and what they are willing to do (or not do) to help you along the way is very important. Unfortunately, some friends are not understanding. Sometimes, spouses are not willing to make any changes themselves to support you in yours. And you can't change what other people do, only they can. Instead, you are going to have to change how you choose to react to their lack of support.

There are a ton of situations and circumstances where a friend/family member might show a lack of support or confidence in you, and I could blog for hours going over a fraction of them. But really. What it comes down to is that you have to accept that X person is not going to make it easier for you, but you will continue on anyhow. You have to make the choice to ignore them or prove them wrong. Accept that it will be harder than it would be if X person wasn't doing X, or would just start doing X...but know that succeeding anyhow will make reaching your goal, that much sweeter.

Losing weight is about NOT GIVING UP. If you are truly ready and wanting to get healthy, you need to be willing to make the sacrifices necessary. Everyone's struggles are different, and for some people, one of those struggles is bound to be a lack of support. Just think of it as any other roadblock that you need to overcome in your journey, and remain positive that you CAN overcome it! It is all about the outlook you choose to keep. Nobody can make you feel a certain way. You have the power to react the way you want to react.

One last thing - if you find that you have little to no support in your personal or day to day life, you can at least seek support online. There are thousands of online support websites, blogs (like this one), Facebook groups and pages - seek out ones that speak to you and start interacting and following. Let THAT be your support system. It's not as ideal as real-life support, but it certainly can be incredibly helpful.

Diva Dash 5k!

I signed up for the Diva Dash kind of on a whim, just 5 days ago. I'm so glad I did! I was still bummed after missing the Monster Dash 1/2 Marathon after my younger daughter got the stomach flu, and I was itching to do a race. This 5k seemed perfect!

It was a wet, chilly, windy day. I've never run in conditions quite like it - normally I'm a pretty "Fair weather runner". I started out the race having to pee (thanks to all the coffee I drank beforehand, and despite visiting the restroom 20 minutes before start).
I was expecting a hilly course (therefore not the best time) but it was actually fairly flat, though not quite as flat as the course my PR was on. The start was narrow and it was pretty clustered at first, but once I found my way through, I was able to really give it gas. I forgot to turn on my Nike+ GPS, so I had no idea what my pace or time was. I just did what felt right, and I knew I wanted to give it my all. Which I mostly did, although the occasional blobs of slush falling from the sky didn't help.

Towards the end, I saw my time was going to be a potential PR so I really sprinted as hard as I could. I passed a girl about 3 feet from the finish line. (I'm sure she was cursing me!).

My official chip time ended up being 27:25...a PR by 6 seconds! Yaaaay!! AND my place was 56 out of 710. Granted, it's a run/walk with lots of walkers, but still. That's pretty exciting for me :-) Not bad considering I haven't run outside for ages (though I do run on the treadmill a lot), I wasn't planning this race, and it was cold and windy and drizzly.

I LOVE the thrill of trying to beat myself and the satisfaction I get from succeeding.

All in all, a great race, despite the less than desirable weather. I would definitely do it again!

Taking requests

I post frequently about motivation, honesty, blah blah blah. This is great stuff. Stuff I am passionate about. These are the things that I believe are key components of healthy, successful weight loss.

But today I ask, what would YOU like to see me post about? Do you have any suggestions or burning questions? No need to be shy. You can even post your comment anonymously. You can shoot me a private message on Facebook. 

I just want ideas and suggestions. I started this blog as a tool for my own weight loss, but it has become much more than that. It is still an essential part of my success, because it keeps me focused and accountable. But now, it has grown into a vehicle for inspiration. I have an audience, and I am quite excited about the idea of being able to help others. I personally LOVE following other people's journeys and reading about their success. There are SO many amazing stories out there - each one unique and with it's own set of circumstances, struggles, and knowledge gained - and I feel a real pull to make sure my own story is included among them.

So please. Ask away. If there is a subject you want me to tackle with my honest opinion and experience, let me know. I will answer just about anything to the best of my ability - keeping in mind I am no professional. Just a person who has had some success, struggles and is willing to share.

The inner fatty

First of all, let's be honest. No - I'm not saying "inner fatty" to be mean. But come on. If you are reading weight loss blogs, you probably have one. I have one. I will always have one, no matter what my outer appearance is or how fit I am. I will always have an inner fatty, lurking and waiting to pounce. It is my inner fatty that makes temptations so HARD to resist!

So - you're out to eat with some friends, and the menu is screaming at you. "CHECK OUT THESE NACHOS, BABY!! I'VE GOT THE CHEESIEST CHEESE STICKS AROUND! GO AHEAD! TRY MY TRIPLE DECKER MUSHROOM SWISS BURGER WITH ONION RINGS!!"

Or maybe you are at the end of a meal, regardless of whether you made a healthy choice or not, and now the dilemma presents: Should I order one of those Triple Chocolate Fudge brownies that looks ever so delicious on the dessert menu?

Maybe you are with friends (or on your own) and somebody (or yourself) suggests hitting up Five Guys for a burger. How about when your work environment constantly has doughnuts available? Or when there is a pot luck going on every other day for one reason or another?

Nobody is perfect. Even the most successful "losers" have given in...probably multiple or dozens of times during their journey. I know I sure have! I have an especial weakness for wine, which really is just a bunch of needless liquid calories. But I truly enjoy wine. Ummm, and doughnuts. And chocolate. And mushroom swiss burgers. And nachos and onion rings and mozzarella sticks. Mmm, and pizza. Oh, and most crappy food in general. (Can we say, HELLO inner fatty!!)
 
But once you learn how to say "no", it does get easier. You get used to it. You become proud of yourself for being strong. You learn what techniques work best for you. You can absolutely figure out how to tell your inner fatty to STFU!! You CAN win the war with your inner fatty!

But how? Here are a few of my tips. First, avoidance. If I can, I try to avoid a situation where I know crazy temptation will be. This won't always be possible, but for example - at my previous work place, I knew there were doughnuts available in a certain spot every Friday morning. I normally walked by that spot daily because it was the most direct route from place A to place B...but on Fridays, I would purposely take a different way, just to avoid even seeing the doughnut table. This might work with fast food places - if you go by one on your way to work and find yourself stopping too often - take a different way! Even if it means a few minute longer drive, who cares. You will save the time not waiting in line, you will save money not buying the crap, and most importantly you will save your health! When it comes down to it, your inner fatty can't rear his/her ugly head if you don't give her a chance to.

Another good one is distraction. This is easier said than done, but if there is a pot luck going on, contribute a healthy dish and encourage others to do the same. Then make a beeline for those healthy dishes, load up, and try to avoid the less-healthy options. Just distract yourself from the junk, with a plate full of healthy! Or if you find yourself sitting at your desk, craving one of those doughnuts that you know are lurking around the corner - chew some gum. Not only might it distract you, but even if not - a doughnut will taste like shit with a minty mouth :-) If you are at home, feeling munchy - go for a walk. Play with your kids. Read a good book. Just do something that you can get into, and that will help you forget your craving.

I love to look up calories! For example, there are 840 calories in a cheeseburger from Five Guys and another 310 in HALF an order of regular sized fries. Now think about that for a minute - how hard you work every other day. Maybe you exercise your butt off, or count calories...think about how this one meal (which will be over before you know it) is going to derail all of that hard work! I actually did this with Five Guys myself once...I was with a large group of people who mostly wanted Five Guys for lunch. Everyone ordered, I did not. Instead, when we got back to the house, I had some broiled garlic shrimp. It was delicious, and I saved 1000+ calories! TAKE THAT, INNER FATTY!

Planning is important! Maybe you are going out to eat...check out the menu ahead of time. Plan out what you are going to order and figure it into your daily calories. Then when you get there, stick with the plan.

Weigh yourself as little or as often as you need to in order to keep your inner fatty from getting out of control. Some people prefer to weigh in only once a week or once a month. Or even not at all, instead going off of inches or how their clothes are fitting. For me, more frequent weigh ins work best. I like to see the fluctuations and I like how I have gotten to know my body and how various things affect it. It helps me to plan and gauge my progress. I don't freak over the short term patterns...I only record my weight once a week, for example. But if I see that my pasta binge one night caused 2 lbs of water weight gain the next day, I might try extra hard to drink more water to flush out the bloat.

Keep sight of your goals and motivations. Write them down. Blog them. Put pictures on the fridge. Whatever it takes - just always "keep your eye on the prize". Before you down a 1500 calorie junk meal, ask yourself, is this short term happiness going to be worth it? What do I want more, this greasy food, or my health? If you answer the smart way, your inner fatty will die a little inside ;-)

Do you have any tips for beating the inner fatty? I'd love to hear them!

The progression of my Fluffy blog.

I was just thinking, how different my blog is today than it was when I first started it in January 2011. Back then, I was nervous and scared. I weighed 227 lbs and wore a size 22...and although I wanted to change, deep down I wasn't sure it was possible. My initial goal weight was 150, which sounded like a ridiculous and lofty goal. My posts were (understandably) concentrated on the progress I was making (or sometimes, the lack of progress). I never imagined that I would become FIT on top of "average weight". Oh, and I was embarrassed. Yes, I took the step to start a blog and share it with friends, but it took a long time to fess up to my starting weight. I also wasn't interested in sharing beyond my social circle on Facebook.

Now, I am excited and confident. Active and healthy. I've been down to a low of 142 lbs, and had some ups and downs putting me at a current 149 (as of 2 days ago) and now back on track to get to goal (135). I wear a solid size 8, occasionally a 6. I continue to be determined and motivated to see this through to the end and beyond. I am fit - I can run a half marathon! My posts are more varied...going over my progress but also issues I have found important along my journey. I am thinking more and more long term rather than purely the present. I know my goals are never impossible, if I put my mind to it, and so I don't worry as much about what I am right now - instead, I look forward to what I will be. I am not ashamed to tell my beginning weight or size, because it's part of who I am and how far I've come. I love sharing and inspiring and motivating other people. I get a lot of positive feedback and I actively promote my blog and EOTF Facebook page, in hopes of reaching more people like myself. People who are starting out miserable, scared, nervous, and doubtful. 

So while this started out as a tool to help me stay accountable and reach a seemingly impossible goal...it has turned into much more. It has developed into a passion! Plus, how cool is it that my life has changed so completely, and in this blog, I have a detailed record of that whole transition!

To anybody else who wants to start their own journey, or who is in the middle of it - I highly recommend trying a blog. Even if you only share it with a few close friends or family members at first. It truly can be a wonderful tool in your path to success.

And if you already have a blog - please comment below and share it. I love to read the blogs of others in the same boat as myself. I may love to inspire and motivate, but I certainly love to BE inspired and motivated, as well.

Sweat pink!

I applied, and was accepted, to be a Sweat Pink Ambassador through Fit Approach. Sweat Pink is a national movement to motivate, inspire, and encourage one another to live a positive, healthy lifestyle. As you can see, I immediately and proudly put my Sweat Pink Ambassador badge up on the blog. I am SUPER excited about this! Upon posting the news on my personal Facebook page, somebody said I should become a personal trainer. A second person promptly agreed.

BAHAHAHAHAA!

No...I am very passionate about health and fitness, but I don't think personal training would be for me. However, I do potentially have interest in becoming a certified running coach some day. It all depends on where life and my own journey take me, I guess.

Speaking of fitness - on tap for today's routine is 3-5 miles on the treadmill at the gym, followed by some time on the elliptical. And of course... exercising my right to vote :-) I hope everyone out there will also be voting. I will not share my political  views on this blog, but I DO have some very passionate opinions, particularly about a specific issue on the ballot in my state today.

Oh, and again back to sweating pink - I will be sweating pink this weekend, at the Diva Dash 5k! I signed up yesterday. After missing out on the Monster Dash 1/2 marathon because my daughter got sick, I was feeling pretty bummed and dying to do SOMETHING. A race, any race. The Diva Dash will be a perfect quick little race to satisfy my urge. Because it will likely be the last one I do in 2012, I am going to put in 100% effort. It is mostly uphill the whole time, and then a sharp downhill at the end. I haven't been training outdoors much, so I am not expecting any kind of PR (current 5k PR is 27:31), however I do want to get under 30 minutes. But no matter what, I think it will be a good time.

Stay tuned next week for results and race report :-)

Pants

I kept one pair of pants from "before" and I've been meaning to put them on for awhile now. You may have seen this pic on Facebook but here it is anyhow - I love it! I highly recommend getting rid of all your big clothing, except keep ONE item for future comparisons and pics like this :-)

Old pant size: 22! Current pant size: 8 (or a 6, on a good day in the right brand).

I got called WHAT?

Occasionally, somebody unintentionally says something that kills your day, or makes your day. I remember the first time I heard a stranger refer to me as a runner - I was pretty stoked.

I just got done posting about this on the EOTF (Enough of the fluff) Facebook page...but I was at the gym today and somebody called me LITTLE. I have been called many things in my life, but little is certainly not at the top of the list. The best part is, it wasn't even said to me as a compliment or directly at all...it was just innocent talk. She had a group of little girls who were taking up the whole hallway. We were rounding the corner at the same time, going opposite directions. I had to stop quick to avoid a huge collision with these little girls. After they rounded the corner and were out of sight, I heard the woman reminded them to start walking in single file, and she also said "It's a good thing that woman was little, or she would have run you right over!".

So this lady, she has no idea...but she just made my day :-)

The gym

Yesterday I was at the gym gettin' my cardio on. (5 mile run and 30 minutes elliptical). I noticed a couple...the guy was on a bike, the woman standing next to him. Every couple of minutes she left to do things like get food, get him a towel, get him water, etc. She hand fed him as he exercised (please note, he did not appear to have any disabilities. His arms and legs were going like crazy and he was sweating like a pig - obviously a very fit man). Occasionally, she jumped on a treadmill behind him for a minute or so. One time, she got on the treadmill, jogged for 15 seconds, then moved over to the next treadmill and walked for a minute, then got off. Then her hubby moved to a treadmill (way further down the line) and the same thing happened. She stood next to him mostly, eating granola bars and energy bars. Occasionally she jumped on a treadmill next to him and walked for a few seconds. Sometimes she switched treadmills. I try not to be a Judgy Mcjudgerpants, but it was definitely kind of strange. Rather, SHE was kind of strange. To each their own, right? lol

So anyhow. Even despite the occasional ass-hats who refuse to wipe down their sweaty, nasty equipment after use...I really love going to the gym. I used to go years ago, and I liked it then...but I am much more motivated and determined now, plus the gym I go to now is way nicer. It's amazing how different they are! I love the childcare at my gym, I love the huge TV screens on all the front walls (each set to a different channel and with closed captioning turned on). I love that the locker rooms don't look like locker rooms - they are really fancy looking and comfortable, with dark wood lockers (all come with a lock that is activated with your membership card) and granite. I love the big array of group fitness class offerings, which are free to members and require no advance sign up or anything. They have boot camps and personal trainers, both of which I wouldn't mind checking out some day as finances allow. There is an on-site spa and cafe. They have a "parents night out" thing every couple of weeks for members to bring their kids for 4 hours of fun while you go out on a date or do whatever. It's just really, really nice. I am SO glad we decided to join and I really miss going when I don't make it for a few days.

What do you enjoy about going to the gym? What are some amenities in your specific gym that you particularly enjoy?

Choices

The plain, hard truth is that you CHOOSE how you react to the hands you are dealt. I need to remind myself of this frequently. In fact, I need to remind myself of this today, hence this post. This is as much of a reminder for me as it is for anyone else reading.

You are not fat just because obesity runs in your family.
You are not fat just because your spouse eats junk constantly but is lucky enough to never gain an ounce.
You are not fat because there is a McDonald's on the way to work each day.
You are not fat because kids teased you in 4th grade.
You are not fat because your school lunches were sub-par growing up.
You are not fat because you have a bad back/sore foot/migraines/insert any physical ailment here.
You are not fat because you are older and your metabolism isn't what it used to be.

*Sigh* I can definitely identify with this.

YES. All of those things (and plenty more) may contribute. They certainly don't help the battle, that is for sure. They can be HARD issues to overcome, and I am not pretending otherwise. BUT. In the end, it is YOU who chooses what to make of your situation.

You choose what to put in your mouth
You choose how active to be
You choose your own priorities
You choose to see the glass as half full or half empty
You choose to be determined...or not.
You choose to follow through...or not.


It is up to YOU how hard you want to fight. 

Happy Halloween!

Having 2 young children is both good and bad for Halloween. On one hand, we are not home on Halloween, so we don't have to buy candy to hand out. Therefore, there is no candy hanging out in our house in the days prior to Halloween.

BUT, then my kids go trick-or-treating. They are both girls, ages 4 and 5. This year they will be the world's cutest little kitty and piggy. Ridiculously cute. Of course, they end up with enough candy to share with all of China. They can't eat it all, nor do I want them to. The obvious solution to this little dilemma, before I was more health-conscious? Eat it!  Better me than them, right?! Well, kind of. But there are other solutions to be considered....




Throw some away. (I know...*GASP*).

Bring it to work!! Set out a jar or bowl on your desk or in a common area.

Simply hit less houses. You can't eat what you don't get.

If you know certain houses/neighborhoods typically give out less junk and/or more healthy options (raisins for example), go with that. Your kids might complain. Tell them to shut it and enjoy their raisins.

Go trick or treating as early as you can, get home early, and then turn around and give some candy back out! (Let your kids pick out some of their favorites to keep).

Make art projects out of the oddball candies (like those hard candy ball things, AKA evil little choking hazards). Glue them together or onto paper. Put them into a decorated bottle and turn them into maracas.

If you are REALLY lucky, maybe you have a kid with a birthday coming up in the very near future - use some candy in goodie bags for the party guests!

I realize some of these present challenges - mainly your kids not wanting to part with ANY of their candy. I don't know about other people, but with my young kids, they never get free access to their candy anyhow. I let them look through it all right away, pick a little something to enjoy right away, and then it gets put up. After that, it's easy peasy to do a little thinning out of the supply. They are so young, that the next time they are picking out a candy from the bowl, they will be concentrated on what they want to pick, and not the fact that their supply has shrunk by 75%. It's sneaky, but it works, and it's for the greater good of all involved :-)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN and BE SAFE!

When the time is right....

"I'll start tomorrow!"
"I'll start on Monday!"
"I'll start on the 1st of the month!"
"I'll start after Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years..."

I have heard them all and probably used them all. Statements proclaiming when you are finally going to make the changes. But we need to remember some things about timing our weight loss journeys...

First of all, it doesn't matter when you start or when you plan to start - you won't be successful if the time isn't right. By the time being right, I mean you have to be truly ready and willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary. If you aren't truly ready for that, it won't matter how you plan your timing.

Second of all, if you truly are ready, then why wait for tomorrow, or Monday, or next month, or after the holiday? Why can't you start NOW, with your next snack or meal? Why can you take a walk, join the gym, buy an exercise video, or try out Wii Fit TODAY? You know what they say, there is no time like the present. SO TRUE!

Finally, try to keep in mind that putting it off is only deepening the problem. Every day that you continue feeding your body junk, is another day of unhealthy. It's making it that much harder to get going. It's making it easier to continue making excuses.

Don't put it off. Make that decision, accept responsibility for where you are, and make the commitment to put in the work to get to where you want to be!!! Trust me - I may have lost a bunch of weight, but it has not been easy. It still isn't easy. I have had to work my butt off. I have made tons of mistakes along the way. I made a mistake this morning! But one thing I do have that I never had in my previous attempts, is healthy motivations and a sense of lifetime commitment.

Monday weigh in

Today's weight = 151.5. I am down almost a pound...from 4 weeks ago! :-( I could be doing so much better...I really need to get my eating under control. Back into healthy mode. I can't blame this on anyone besides myself - I am a sucker for cereal and pizza and carbs. Combine that with being really sick last week (so I didn't make it to the gym even once) - and of course I didn't really lose any weight.

This week I am feeling much better. Tonight I am headed to the gym for a 30 minute walk around the track, Zumba, a 5k run on the treadmill, and some time on the elliptical. I already didn't eat very well today - it was grocery day, and I was hungry when we went. I am determined to do better this afternoon and work out hard to help (at least a little) burn some of that JUNK off.

On the positive side, I did stock up with lots of good, healthy foods. Apples, bananas, pineapple celery, cucumbers, salad, black bean whole wheat tortillas, black beans...  I should be able to stick to my plans with all of that good food in my fridge for the week.

How are things going for you? Have you been on track, or derailing? What is your plan to get on track/stay on track?

One final note: Stay safe to all of those out there in the East who are being/will be affected by Hurricane Sandy and the resulting "Frankenstorm". I think lots of people hoped that this was a lot of media hype (not that the media would ever do that.....*dripping with sarcasm*), but as it get's closer, it really is looking like it will be as bad or worse as they were predicting. So stay safe and the nation is thinking of you!

Skinny

I thought I saw somewhere that the average model is something like 25% thinner than the average american woman. And a LOT of models have a BMI that would qualify them as being underweight.

Of course, for the average woman, there is no danger of ever being underweight...more of us are battling the weight loss game or trying to maintain our average weights... but these are the standards society is thrusting in our faces at every turn. So when you are aiming to lose weight, it can be easy to focus on wanting to simply be "thin" rather than focusing also, on your health. After all, "thin is in".

As for the ridiculous hair styles sometimes seen, let's not even go there.

Guess what. I want to look hot in a swimsuit as much as the next woman. But first of all, being a stick with bones jutting out in awkward places, and having no boobs, is not hot. Guess what else? I would much rather be a size 10, but strong and fit, than to be a size 0 and have no energy or strength. I wonder how many of these super skinny models could run long distances? Not many, considering they don't have the fuel for it in their bodies. These models are skinny-fat - and that is not where it's at.

I want to look great, be healthy, and have the strength, power and fitness to accomplish amazing things. Our bodies are capable of so much if we just treat them properly and put in the work - why would I throw that away for a flat chest and a bony ass?

*Disclaimer: I do realize there are occasions where women are underweight and honestly struggle to put weight on, just as overweight women struggle to lose it. I am absolutely NOT talking about these women and firmly believe they deserve all the same respect as an overweight person, or any person. My point is geared towards the super, ridiculously skinny models who are getting paid millions to keep their calorie intake low and their BMI even lower. I also understand there may be other factors at work - mental struggles and such. I don't mean to bang on these women personally, because I'm not in their shoes and don't know what's going on in their heads or lives. What I DO bang on, is how society is allowing this to appear as a standard. If consumers buy it and feed off of it, it won't go away. There are some great campaigns out there, such as the Dove Love your Body one and their movement for self esteem. I wish we would see more of this, including in the high fashion industry. Why can sample sizes be in the 6-12 range rather than the 00-4 range? Why can't the models be fit and curvy? Why, why why?

What are your thoughts on the super skinny models and companies that use them to promote their goods?

Diet vs Exercise

You can exercise all you want...if you eat like crap, you will not see the level of success that you would if you paired your hard work with healthy eating habits. I have seen it over and over again in myself. There have been times where I have let my diet slide (diet in the sense of what I eat, not an actual "I'm on a diet" kind of diet) but worked out hard, and seen absolutely NO movement on the scale. For weeks on end, even. When I was new at this, I was a little puzzled...how could I be working this hard and sweating like a pig, yet not losing any weight?! But once I was honest with myself (again, there's that damn honesty piece popping up), I realized that what I put in my mouth was not healthy or conducive to losing weight or getting fit. As soon as I started watching what I put in my mouth and concentrating on eating quality foods in decent quantities...the weight started coming off again.



So when you get stuck, make sure you take a good look at your habits - are you working your butt off at the gym, only to negate all that hard work with chinese take out, pizza, donuts and soda? Don't be surprised then, that you aren't seeing much progress. Even if you must take small steps towards a better diet, it's better than nothing. Keep working at matching your diet to your exercise, and success will come. You just can't give up, because these things take time. A whole lot of agonizing, frustrating time. Time that is worth it in the end!



REMEMBER: Your exercise is only as efficient as your diet allows it to be.

Motivation

It can be hard to find your motivation. Impossible, even.

Picture this: You're chillin' on the couch, your hand in a bag of chips, a container of Top the Tater on the table next to you. A pop (or soda, or coke...whichever term you prefer) within close reach. Or a beer. Or wine. Wait, chips and wine isn't classy, you say? Eh. Sounds good to me.

Anyways. Back to our imaginations...There you are, watching your favorite show. Friends reruns, The Simpsons, Grey's Anatomy, Deadliest Catch...pick your poison! And you briefly think to yourself, what am I doing? Why am I stuffing my face like this? How much have I even eaten? Man, I'm going to feel like cra - OMG I can't believe that just happened (and attention promptly goes back to the TV).

Does it sound familiar? I know it does for me. I can't even imagine how many calories I have consumed in my life through mindless eating, or bored eating, or angry eating, or simply "I don't give a f*ck" eating. Sure, the thought of finally getting on track and getting healthy always sounded great. Amazing. Spectacular, even! But wanting something and taking action to get it, are two very different things - and in order to take action, you need to have motivation. Unfortunately, "I want to be skinny" is generally not enough motivation to make a huge life change. Yes, it can be a part of what motivates you, but it needs to be paired with many other, more important motivators.

Health. Family. Children. Pride.

These are all reasons I try to keep in the forefront of my mind throughout my journey, and especially when I am stumbling and need to take a step back and remember why I am doing this. I want to be healthy, I want to feel good. I want to have energy and be confident and not have to worry as much about certain obesity related diseases and problems. I want to be around as long as possible for my family and my children. I want to be a positive influence on my children so that they never have to battle the battle I have battled (get that?). I want to be proud of myself and I want my loved ones to be proud of me, too.

Yep - It doesn't hurt that shopping is more fun. (I can fit into a SINGLE DIGIT SIZE?!? SAY WHAT?!)  Or that while I know my husband loves me no matter what, I am probably slightly more appealing, physically (though he would never admit it, but come on, he is only human!). These are somewhat shallow motivations, but important nonetheless. So don't misunderstand me - I am not saying that it's bad to care about how you look. Most people do, and it's nice to feel you look nice! I am also not saying overweight people can't look nice. They can, and many do. I am just saying, if you find this to be a motivator, then more power to you - just make sure you aren't being solely motivated by this. As exciting as "looking hot" is, it's not a deep enough reason to solely keep you going through such a long, tedious, difficult journey. Your health, well being, and family - THOSE are the types of reasons that will stick with you and help motivate you for the long haul.

Make a list, mental or hard copy - of your motivators. Include everything, big and small. When you find yourself floundering, think of or look back on your list. Take some time to really think about them and take yourself back to the beginning, when you first decided "This is it!". Take yourself back to the CORE of why you are doing what you are doing. Why you decided to undertake this amazingly hard, rewarding, frustrating journey of ups and downs. Sometimes a little reminder is all it takes to get yourself back on track!

So tell me - what are your motivators?! Big or small, let's hear em' all!

Diets, shakes, and weight loss "fads".

Disclaimer: I am not putting you down if you have tried or are currently trying any of these things. I do realize weight loss is not a one size fits all sort of thing. I am also not saying I am perfect - I obviously am NOT, as illustrated by my constant battle with weight since forever ago - not to mention the fact that nobody is perfect, anyhow. This is just my personal opinion.



Weight loss...shakes, fad diets, pills, HCG. Holy crap there is a lot of that floating around out there, and it's no wonder why, with obesity statistics the way they are. I can totally understand how it feels to be grasping at straws; at any potential quick fix or hoping that this could finally be the magic bullet that works for me.

But let's not play games or pretend. Many of these methods lead to short term weight loss, but NOT long term success. Why is that? Because who wants to drink a shake in place of breakfast every day for the rest of your life?! How sustainable is that? Sure, it's great to kick start weight loss, because you are cutting calories. But the same thing could be done simply through replacing some of your "less healthy" foods, with more healthy ones - and that, to me, is way more sustainable and enjoyable.

I'm telling you - LIFESTYLE CHANGE is where it is at. It's hard, yes. But it's TOTALLY WORTH the extra effort and time. 

Blah

I try really hard to maintain a positive attitude, even through the tough spots. For the most part, I succeed. But today I'm just off. I feel blah. My weekdays have been going amazing. Last week from Monday through Friday, I lost almost 7 lbs (most of it obvious water weight from a weekend of eating like crap, since my body hangs onto that water weight like freaking crazy). This weekend I ate like crap again and gained it all back. ALL of it...My weigh in today was literally exactly the weight I was last Monday. Which isn't terrible, at least I didn't gain, but it makes me so mad at myself that I had been doing so great last week and then I undid all that progress over a weekend. It's bloat. I can feel it, and it sucks. It makes me feel huge and icky. I'm just MAD at myself. I know better, yet I still make that mistake over and over again.

Then add in that I've managed to get sick...this is one of the worst sore throats I can remember having. Icky cough/congestion (mostly chest congestion), headaches, tired...just not fun. And of course, I have a half marathon this weekend which I am already under trained for as it is.

*Sigh*

Let's hope my throat feels better soon, because that is by far my least favorite sick symptom. I HATE HATE HATE sore throats. I just wish I could sleep until it's gone. And then magically lose my last 10 lbs.

Is that so much to ask?!?!!

Yeah. I know.

Is anyone else who is typically positive, feeling kinda blah? Or am I all alone in this blah boat??

Face shot before & after

August 2010 vs. September 2012 - down 80+ lbs with 10 or less to go!

Something that bugs me

I am used to being the "bigger" girl. Even in elementary school, I was bigger than most of my classmates. What I am not used to is being a so called "normal" size. My BMI is in the normal range. I can buy normal, non-plus size clothing. My doctor is not concerned about my weight. This is all new to me! These are things that I never dreamed would ever be the case - but here I am! It's amazing and still seems impossible.

But what kind of bugs me is when I get comments occasionally, from well-meaning friends or acquaintances, that I am "disappearing into nothing". Or "How much more do you plan to lose, you are tiny?! Maybe I am just being sensitive, but it feels like they are saying I am taking it too far. But the thing is, I am very aware of exactly where I am and where I need to go in my journey - and I am very conscious of making sure I am not seeing myself differently than everyone else. My BMI is towards the top of the "normal" range, so although people may comment that I look like I can't lose anymore - yes, I can. I want to be in the middle of normal...and trust me, there is definitely enough excess left for me to get there. I have even asked my hubby's opinion, with the promise that nothing he said would be held against him, and he agreed with me. Losing another 10-15 lbs is not a far reach. The thing is, people who have known me forever, have NEVER seen me as a "normal" weight. Maybe to them, it's a bit of a shock and looks just...not right. I just wish they would trust me that I am not turning into a crazy person and trying to be a size 0 or something. I am honestly taking a ton of different things into account when I am deciding where my goal is. I just wish I didn't have to feel guilty for doing so! It's like, if somebody was my build and height, but had always been 130 lbs and healthy looking, nobody would think twice. It would be a non-issue. But just because I have always been overweight or obese, it is crazy for me to be 130 lbs? Even though 130 for my height is well within the typical normal range?

Honestly, I say in person to people that I'd like to get to X goal, but deep down, I secretly hope to get to a different goal - I'm just afraid of more comments about losing too much weight. I suppose it's just a hazard that goes with the territory of losing a significant amount of weight, and even more so being open and honest about it like I am. I understand that and I accept that...but just wanted a quick vent about it. Now I will get over it and move on :-)

Weaknesses

Everybody has weaknesses. For us fatties and former fatties (hey, sounds harsh, but you know I try to be honest), often times our biggest weaknesses involve food. Here is a list of some of my weaknesses. I am all for things in moderation of course....but these are things that, for me, require an immense amount of willpower in order to NOT devour 5 servings of at once. The list is obviously not all-encompassing. I don't generally have a history of being picky about what kind of junky goodness I shove down my throat. Go figure....

1. Pizza
2. Pasta (especially creamy alfredo based dishes)
3. Bakery items (cupcakes, donuts, pastries etc)

Why can't my biggest weaknesses be salad? I do love salad, in fact you should have seen the massive salad I ate yesterday (with light dressing, used sparingly of course!) But I feel like no matter how much I change my life and get into a healthy eating routine, nothing will ever take away my love for pizza or pasta. Which really, is fine - the problem is more that once I start, I can't stop. I can't just eat a piece of pizza...I end up eating several. And feeling like crap afterwards, with a bloated stomach and guilt on my mind. I wish I could just be normal and eat a little, along with a great big salad, and feel satisfied! Unfortunately that is never going to be me, at least not without a constant struggle.

What are some of your weaknesses?

Why are you/were you fat?

I'm all about honesty. I believe it is a key component to successfully changing my life and maintaining the health and fitness I have finally come to know. Part of that honesty is recognizing how I got to be 227 lbs and a size 22.

I started out overweight when I was in elementary school. I had no confidence, and therefore was too scared to do anything about it. Exercising or joining in sports would have meant people SEEING me. I never thought it was worth it. Then in high school I concentrated on other things. I was happy with what I did and what I had. I was overweight, but not obese, and I figured that was fine - no biggie. I could manage that.

Then I got married, had kids...the weight started piling on. I ate even more crap. I love junk food, not going to lie. My willpower was non-existent, and to be honest I often didn't even care. I just liked food.

 I also engaged in almost no physical activity. I felt like it would be pointless to try. I was out of breath just walking up one flight of stairs in my own house. That's just the way it was and I felt like that's just the way it would have to stay.

I wanted to change, but really didn't know how. And I was afraid of failing, yet again. And it seemed like it would be SO hard. Take SO long. I felt like I would never get to where I wanted to be. Basically lots of fear affected my every thought regarding my health and the seemingly far fetched potential for change. I am pretty sure I also didn't realize just how big I was! I was fooling nobody by myself.

Now I am a "normal" BMI, which still feels incredibly impossible. I am a size 8 (6 on good days in the right brand). It still seems so foreign to me, but in a great way obviously. I am well aware that it could all go to shit, SO easily, if I ever stop being honest with myself. I need to maintain the honesty. I need to remember where I came from, and why.

Who is brave enough to comment with why THEY are or were fat? Not excuses, but actual, honest reasons?

Loss this week

Since last week, I lost .5 lbs. I could have...SHOULD have...done better. Like WAY better. Last week I weighed myself unofficially and was up to almost 5 lbs lost since my official Monday weigh in. (Obviously, mostly water weight). But I put it all back on this weekend with a couple of oh-so-bad yet OH-SO-GOOD meals, including lasagna last night and Rainforest Cafe in the Mall of America on Saturday. The good news is, I am obviously not losing and regaining 5 lbs of fat in a matter of days, so I know it's at least just water weight. But still. I don't WANT it. I don't want to be retaining all that water because I eat like crap. I know better - it's just so hard, especially on weekends. I need to make a plan, especially for this coming weekend as we will be out of town. Being out of town always throws a wrench in things.

I have terrible willpower sometimes. I recognize this but it's easier said than done to simply "do better". I will keep working on it...It always helps when I get some exercise because who wants to ruin all that hard work with a bunch of junk food? Today I am going to the gym in the afternoon for some cardio, and tonight I am going again for Zumba. I am really looking forward to it, too. I bet anything after eating clean today and getting some exercise, I will be 2 lbs down tomorrow. Too bad it's not 2 lbs of fat instead of 2 lbs of water retention.

FRUSTRATING!

The nitty gritty truth

Disclaimer: Do not proceed if you are going to be easily offended or sensitive to these points I am making. Trust me, it's not meant to offend. I have been there. I still struggle with many of these things - which is why I can speak so candidly about them. I totally understand it!! This was/is ME! And so, the paragraphs below are me sharing with you a very blunt explanation, at least from my viewpoint, of some of our most common issues hindering weight loss.

Excuses. I am very passionate about this subject when it comes to getting healthy, fit and losing weight. You know what they say...excuses are like assholes...everyone has one. This is TRUE. I had excuses. I still have excuses, though I try to be conscious about this and give myself a kick in the butt or reality check when I find myself making them.

The truth is, 95% of excuses people give, even if they "sound" legit, are BULL. (The exception to this, is of course, medical issues or people who are very ill and on medication that truly does cause substantial weight gain). Oh, what's that? Your mother, grandmother, great grandmother and all of your aunts are obese and obesity runs in your family? Who cares! You have no time to work out? Well trust me, if it's truly a priority to get fit, you CAN make time! Your leg hurts, so you can't exercise? Do upper body exercises while you sort out your leg! You are an food addict, just like an alcoholic? I don't doubt it, but admitting you have a problem can be the first step, not a declaration of hopelessness! And oh, that's awful about splitting from your boyfriend, and finding your fish belly-up, and your best friend moving away, and being demoted at work. I truly feel for you and you totally deserve some time to grieve and feel upset. You deserve some "woe is me" time for sure - but it's not an excuse to go on a week-long junk binge, that will only make you feel worse! (trust me, I've done it!) Maybe instead you could put your pissed-off energy into some kick-ass workouts?! What's that? You are older than me and your metabolism isn't what it used to be and your habits are more engrained and you have aches and pains I just can't understand? That's just more excuses! Do you think you are the only "older" person in the history of the planet with these issues? And do you think nobody has ever overcome them? Of course that's not the case!!! Ok, so maybe you have more working against you. But again, it's just a matter of will.

Take it from me - I have used all of these excuses at one point or another (and then some). Obesity does "run in my family"...somehow I managed to overcome it! And having no time? That is a HUGE one! The fact is - where there is a will, there is a way. There was a period of time in the beginning that I was seeing great success in my fitness journey - along with working 70 hour weeks and taking care of my house, and family including 2 young daughters. My husband worked more than 40 hours a week too, so I also had to juggle against his crazy schedule. There were times that I got up at 3:30 am to work out, because that was the only time I could find. I am not saying it was easy...it certainly wasn't. It sucked, and it was hard. But that was what I needed to do in order to succeed, and so I did it. I made the sacrifices necessary because losing weight and getting healthy was truly one of my priorities. I have juggled many things during the last 2 years. Family, working overtime, grad school, being a chapter leader for Moms RUN This Town, training for half marathons, organizing a virtual 5k....and through it all, I (generally) maintained my priorities, even when it was hard because I felt like I had no free time. My point here is not to brag or to make myself sound all superior...trust me, I stumbled plenty of times...rather, my point is simply that time is NOT a good excuse. Time is what you make of it and sacrifices may be required. It is hard, but totally worth it in the end.

Next up - honesty. You say you have "tried everything". Pills, weight loss programs, and even the old fashioned "eating healthy and exercising". Seriously though? You "tried", but did you truly give it 100%? Or did you give up in 2 weeks when you didn't see results?  Was your version of healthy truly healthy? Or did you just swap out your 10 regular Oreos for 15 reduced-fat Oreos? I hear all the time that people already tried the old fashioned way, and it didn't work. There is a reason for that, and it isn't because your body is simply meant to be fat!

Taking responsibility for your actions is also a major issue that you must overcome before you see success. It is not your spouses fault that YOU ate an entire box of fruit loops just because he or she bought it for your kids. It is not your spouses fault that YOU ordered nachos, onion rings and a 2,000 calorie dessert when you went out to eat after he or she suggested a date night. It is also not your mother's fault that YOU ate 10 chocolate chip cookies when she made them while your family was visiting her house. Again - this isn't easy, but you need to stop putting blame on other people and you need to find your willpower. The fact is, this journey is not just about losing the weight, but it is about maintenance. You can't expect everybody around you to eat exactly as you need to, for the rest of your life. You need to get used to dealing with reality, and the reality is that there will always be temptations. It is up to YOU and YOU alone, to have some willpower. Willpower is not easy to find. I still lose mine sometimes. I try to stick with it by remembering my long term goals and asking myself, how will this affect those goals and how does that compare to the temporary happiness it will bring me? How would I feel afterwards if I ate half of this pizza?  Ok - sometimes even asking myself that won't stop me from eating it and then feeling guilty and bloated afterwards. But I try. And more often than not, it does help, as demonstrated by my 85 lb loss in the last 22 months. I make mistakes, but I move on from them rather than letting them cause me to make more excuses or get frustrated enough to give up. 

Oh - and fad diets and pills? The HCG diet? NOT GOING TO WORK. The majority of the time, it either doesn't work at all, or works but then the weight comes piling back on once you go back to normal. And trust me - you WILL go back to normal. These diets and plans are impossible to do for the rest of one's life. Plus, they would be unhealthy to do for the rest of one's life! The only "diet" worth being on, is simply eating normally and healthfully. It is the hardest, but most easily maintained in the long-term. Honestly I could and probably will eventually make a whole blog post dedicated to just this...but I digress.

So really. Quit making excuses. Quit blaming everyone else. I don't give a shit what other people around you are eating - nobody is forcing crap down your throat. I realize it is delicious and addicting and tempting. Why do you think I (or any of "us") got fat in the first place?! But if you want to make a change, you need to be willing to actually make the change. 

And when it comes down to it, that is what we all desire right? To get healthy and STAY healthy!

Black bean, pepper, onion and chicken tortillas

For those who might be into this type of thing, here is a recipe I like a lot. I made it last night for the first time in ages, and am now looking forward to having it "back in rotation". Before my husband and I had kids, we went through a phase where we ate this regularly. Very healthy - lots of protein, and of course lots of veggies. Very colorful, and they say that's a good thing :-)

Ingredients:
Bell Peppers
Onion
Jalepeno Black Beans
Tortillas
Cooked chicken breast, cubed (optional)
Cheese (optional)

Last night, I forgot it the chicken. It's just been so long, I spaced it out - and honestly it still turned out great so I didn't even realize it was missing until my husband mentioned it - after I had finished eating! So it's up to you - chicken, no chicken, either way. If you want it, you can start out with it in the pan or add it in at any point as long as it was already cooked.

Chop us some peppers and onion in whatever combination you want. You could just do all red pepper and onion, or do green and red pepper and leave out the onion...whatever suits you. Last night I used green, red, and orange bell peppers and white onion.

 Add the Jalepeno Black Beans. I am not sure what is out there for options, but this brand ROCKS:

Kuner's Southwestern Jalepeno black beans with lime juice

Then just heat that all up together. This is also an easy recipe to make extras of and have leftovers.

Put in tortilla. Sprinkle with a little cheese if you want. Roll up and enjoy!

How I did it

Just an FYI - I put some (ok, a lot) of stuff up on the "How I did it" page. It's just a rough start, so excuse any typos. I will work on smoothing it out, but I wanted to finally at least get something up. Feel free to comment or ask questions or whatever!

Zumba

I tried out a Zumba class at the gym last night with my sister in law. I was kind of nervous...that's just the way I am with new things like that, and I'm not the most coordinated person either. But let me tell you...

It was FUN!

I highly recommend it. Lots of people were there, of all shapes and sizes and skill and fitness levels. The instructor was fun, perky, and likeable. The lights were turned down, the atmosphere was just fun. I really enjoyed it even though I was spending a minute at the beginning of each dance trying to get a handle on what some of the basic moves were. I definitely sweated and I definitely want to go back.

Trust me. If I can take the leap and try it, ANYONE can. Go get your Zumba on. You won't regret it!!!

Back this truck UP

Ok so here is the deal. I need to do something before I end up where I started. My husband, my sister in law and her husband all have various amounts of weight we would like to lose. We've all gained 10+ lbs recently. We decided to do a weight loss challenge based on % lost. The winner gets to choose a place for dinner and the losing couple pays. Really I don't think any of us care about that, but it will be nice to be doing this "with" other people. We created a Google Doc to log our weights every Monday. We are going through to December 31st.

Today being Monday, meant first weigh in. My starting weight for this challenge? 152.3.
GRRRRRRRRR. That is almost a full 10 lbs up since my lowest weight. I actually weighed 142.6 once, if I remember right. WTF?! My life has changed so completely but I guess I was hoping I would be able to hang in there without gaining too much. Oh well - nothing I can do about it now besides resolve to get it back off.

Once again, another glaring reminder that no matter how much I've changed my habits and life..the old habits are lurking in the background, just waiting to sneak in there. It is going to be a life long battle. And will likely get harder, the older I get. But when I think back on how far I've come, I want to cry. I started out obese. Size 22. Zero confidence. Exhausted. Breathing heavily after going from upstairs to downstairs in my own house. Just plain unhealthy. Now, even though I've backtracked a slight bit over the last several weeks during this crazy transition my family has made...I am still on another planet, health-wise. I have energy. I am happy with myself. I feel good. I feel healthy! Now I just need to pick back up and finish out this phase of my journey...and officially enter into the life long maintenance phase.

Yep. I've gotta lose this damn weight. Damnit.

Today: Eating healthier meals and snacks, going for a walk, going to the gym for a run and elliptical, and trying out Zumba for the first time with my sister in law.

GAME ON! It's me against this weight. I am going to win.

What is up with me?!

Love this. So very true, with regards to both losing weight and running, for example doing a half marathon. It's SO hard. But SO amazing.

Being a stay at home mom for the moment has been a huge challenge where my eating habits are concerned. I have NO willpower!! It's like offering a bottle of vodka to an alcoholic. That sort of seems like maybe it was meant to be funny, but I'm serious. It's absolutely an addiction, and one that is much harder to manage now that I am surrounded by the food in my fridge and cupboards all day long. At least at work, I brought what I brought, and that's what I had. The cafe' and certain items such as pita chips and tiger brownies were always a battle, but at least those I could say no to because I didn't want to be spending the money on them every single day. And I had coworkers who knew about my weight loss journey, and I hate to be a "failure" (in my eyes that is) by eating junk. But you know...damn...those tiger brownies were pretty freaking awesome...

So anyhow. There I was this morning. I already had a cup of coffee, an apple, eggs and a piece of toast. Yet I found myself staring into the fridge and cupboards. Why?! What is it that I want? I'm craving carbs, I can feel it. Sugary or salty, junky goodness. That, and I'm kind of bored, so automatically my brain apparently goes to food. Crappy food, at that. Why can't I crave something like carrots or salad? Hell, if we're going into the "Why can't I" game...Why can't I just have naturally amazing metabolism and a naturally great body?! Is that so much to ask for? Ha....Yes, I know the answer. I'm just being whiney.

I'm getting off track. Back to the story.

Instead of giving in and eating more, I hopped on the computer and started writing this post. I suppose that could be one benefit of being home - when I have these tough times, I can come write about it and hopefully get distracted and let the craving pass.

I really want to get back on track though. I'm back to exercising regularly (went a couple times last week and three times this week already), and I don't want to mess that hard work up with some pointless calories eaten out of boredom. I have so much I could be doing but my daughter makes it hard...she is pretty clingy and demanding of my time. I have homework and a job search to be working on, but normally when I'm on the computer, she insists on sitting on my lap and if I won't let her, its a big fit. Either way, I can't get anything done.  It's honestly a miracle that she is letting me type this now.

HA! I spoke too soon. *Heads off to see what all the fuss is about*

Helloooo out there? A reader reach-out.

The number of readers here is continuing to increase, at least based on my blog stats... This is great, because I truly feel happy that I may possibly inspire or help somebody else in some way with my story. (That being said - feel free to share, recommend to others, or ask me about exchanging links if you have a health/fitness/weight loss related blog). Also note that you can "like" Enough of the Fluff on Facebook as well!

Anyhow...I would LOVE to know a little about some of you. People rarely comment - let's change this!!

Are there any regular (or not)  readers who wouldn't mind sharing their own story or just saying a little something? Let me know you are out there. Tell me who you are. Why you read my blog. What additional things you'd like to see on my blog. What your struggles are. Your favorite color. I don't care - just say something so I know I'm not talking to myself!

Marathon

I was watching this show about marathons the other day. I kept crying. Because I want to do one! Just imagining how amazing, challenging, emotional it is. The extreme hard work and tons of time you put into training for this one day, ending in crossing that finish line and knowing you did something incredible! Then for me, add on top of that, I used to be 227 lbs. Heck, when I was 9 months pregnant with my first daughter, I probably weighed 260 (I just don't really count that since it was pregnancy weight). I used to be fat, have no energy, and no confidence. Now...I run half marathons. I know I will do a full some day.

Now is not the right time - I am in grad school for another couple of years, and I need time to concentrate on that because I have lots of homework and studying hours ahead of me. But when I'm out of grad school and settled into my career...You better believe I WILL run a full marathon. Most likely Grandma's Marathon in Duluth, MN. Even though it's at least a few years away, I can't wait :-)

Doctor visit & weight update

I established myself with a new primary care physician and with that meant - a weigh in. I was dreading it...I haven't weighed myself in several weeks. Things have been crazy. My life has been turned upside down with all this moving and related junk. So I was relieved to find I have only gained about 5 lbs. At the doc, I weighed 150 on the nose...my low was 143. However I keep track of weights taken right away in the morning and with no clothes on, so really it's probably about a 5 lb difference. I am not thrilled, but satisfied with that. Thankful that it isn't way more. And now - determined to get it back off and then some. The last of it. It's time to finish the weight loss journey once and for all, and start what will probably be the hardest part of all - a lifetime of maintenance. Yes, I have changed my lifestyle. However those old habits so easily creep back up on me. I am battling them even now. The urge to just sit on my butt and veg out all day? Still there. Wanting to buy and eat a package of cookies or a box of cereal? Yep. That urge is still there too. My lifestyle has changed, and I love it, but the old habits are still hiding deep down inside me - I need to make sure I don't ever give in and let them take over again. I realize I might make mistakes (and I have been making a lot of mistakes lately), and that is okay. It's the overall progress that matters, not one bad meal or day or even week.

I have joined a gym and plan to go at least 3 times a week. I am going to get some new running shoes (sorely needed - literally. My knees and leg KILL after I try to run even a mile, and it's because I need new shoes) and start training properly for my half marathon next month. And the hardest of all....I need to pay more attention to my eating habits again. It is a whole new ball game when you are at home as opposed to working with a regular, solid schedule. I am looking for a job, but until I find something, I need to work with the circumstances I have.

One other thing that came up at my doctor appointment was fainting. I cannot recall if I've mentioned it on the blog or not, but in the last few months I have had 2 fainting episodes. One was late at night, while out for a drink. Earlier in the evening I had went on a short walk/run, but it was over 90 degrees and humid out. The other time was about an hour or 1.5 hours after finishing my last half marathon (the Women Rock). My husband said that I needed to ask a doctor about it before he would "let" me run my next race. The doctor was not concerned, and said given the circumstances it is most likely not a sign of any heart problems...rather a common issue with runners, hypoglycemia. Basically I need to be mindful of getting proper nutrition before, during and after races - especially longer or more physically challenging ones). That was his guess as to what happened but obviously wants me to monitor it and let him know if anything else goes on.